-bEaT oF aN aNgEl-

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Today i wanted to go with you to the bookstore
To buy a nice xmas card to tell u how much u mean to me and i m thankful for you
But today i m once again disappointed
in fact amazed at how natural you make it seem
after doing this so many times to me

You were leading me
towards the purpose u wanted
when i did not fall for it
u confessed
and left me hanging dry

What was I supposed to answer
What was I supposed to do
To act like you so cleverly crafted
or to insist on my way
then I decided
I would not be manipulated

Maybe some one will tell you
its no big deal
its no life and death issue
but i hope in ur heart u know
what it meant to me and you
the anticipation i have as i woke up every monday morning
wishing the day of this week will come soon
to only be denied of the chance at the very last min
is like having the door repeatedly slammed on ur face

I dont hate you
but it doesnt mean i dont dislike you.
With ur explanations
I can feel my defences fall
and i accept ur line of reasoning
feelin that i m the lousy one
I should have been more supportive, more thoughtful like I USED to
which you tactfully hinted
but when i take a moment to think
my demands werent so unreasonable as you make it seem
things dont really go the way with how you explained
i go back to where i have started
i feel deceived
by your so-called 'I wanted to'
why should I believe
when you never could show what you wanted to do

Today I shall lie in my bed
wondering what has just happened
rehearsing what i should have done
and conclude that this is again one of those days
but it is increasing in frequency lately
isnt it?

Some thing must be wrong
Some thing is wrong
to face it
is to face with my worst fears
Do you risk
or do you take the backseat
how confident are you
should you wait
No answer shall be the answer I get today

Saturday, December 04, 2010

We fought our little slient wars today, I wonder when it started becoming so frequent. Is it because of your new job or because I m less forgiving now?

All that I want you to be is to be always here, but you will not be. I feel like I have forced myself to change, into someone that is trying to be so strong on the outside but deep down I m still someone who cries at every small little thing. Why did you change me into who I am today? I dont want to have to do things by myself anymore, when did you left me to do everything on my own. Where is that shadow that I know will always be behind me so that I wont be alone? I hate having to watch movies on my own, forcefully abandon my phone because I dont want to pick it up to know I m still waiting aimlessly for you to reply me. I hate myself for being a leech, but why did u have to make me seem like one?

Today I decide, i m just a stone on ur pave. But I know I am a moveable stone, I can shift myself away from your bright path. I will not ask of you anymore, because it will only make me want more that you cannot give. I shall be that small stone that sits by the side, when u need me, you will know where to find me but i shall not ask of you.

Something is wrong, really wrong. I got a gut feeling where this is heading. When it does I will not regret, because u made ur choice and then it will be my turn to make mine.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

you can never get enough until the day u learn how to say stop.
you can only see happiness until the day u can see deep.
you can never be satisfied until the day know you can lose even the littlest thing you thought u will always have.

But I can make today 'the day'.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Why do we hope to be people other than ourselves?
I thought this summer will be different, because I tried so hard to make it different.
More effort to break from this rigid little box but I could only repeat the same foolish mistake and throw it all away.
I can only tell myself that, things happen for a reason and we are all just pawns walking out the roadmaps planned way ahead.
Maybe its for the better because i will never know the truth behind this statement.
What shall I do or be now?
Its 2 years from now but I feel I m more lost than before.
There is no defined path that i want to take.
I look at them and thought, "hey I could be that"
only to think real hard and say its all too late.
Am i really supposed to only walk this way?

-Fallen-Star - To not be included, it does not hurt me, for u are all that I want and need :)

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Today our hearts shall stay apart. Maybe its not just today, i dunno for how many days before and after.

I dont like the secrets you keep because I dont have any that I keep from you. But today onwards, I will not bother asking about them because I dont want to know anymore.

Today onwards, you can continue throwing your temper at me, I will be quiet, not because I agree with but because I dont care if you are angry, you will not affect me.

Today onwards, I will be extremely punctual not because I know that you will pass remarks on your impatience but because I dont want to give you any more reason to do so.

Today onwards, I shall not benchmark my happiness on your perception and your appreciation of what I have done. Because you will always be you and I will always be me. We will never put anybody but ourselves in better light because it is against human nature to do so.

Today onwards, I shall stop talking just to fill in the awkward time because I know that you may hear what I am saying but you are choosing not to listen.

Today onwards, I shall be more independent, financially and spiritually, because I will outlive and outlast the time you will be in my life.

Human have to sleep for many reasons but today I realised I sleep because I will have one less minute to face you.

-Fallen-Star- we all have choices in life and this is your choice.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Today is the day I decide to blog again, after some turmoil and lots of bad luck. Today is ending but I just received a surprise that did in some way change my thinking.

I was just sulking and crying off my streak of "bad grades+ everything else" luck. I dont understand why Performance falls way below hard work. I know I have to make things work, I cant recall a time since I started Uni that I have worked so hard for. Just when I thought I am well prepared to sit for a paper, I will screw it up damn badly. But why? I believe i must be under some curse. I must be, if not how do you explain it?

On my way home, I was thinking, issit because I used up all my good luck in the first part of my life? or issit because God knows that i must save all my good luck for something that I REALLY REALLY want that's happening soon? I dont know, but i hope for the latter! :)

Then when I went back home, about to send an email to my prof telling him that I would want to skip my quiz 2moro (I dont wanna continue my bad luck streak!!), I read Boon hong's email. It's not someone that I am close with, but the news of someone my age, caught in an accident and died today morning, I took a deep breath. I totally change my mind about my bad luck streak (although I am still skipping my quiz cos I havent really studied!! =X)

Anyway, if u look at it from another angle, maybe i am in a really good luck? I could have died on the road today, got killed by someone, fall to my death... the ways to die are just aplenty. But today, I sit here in front of my laptop typing. Maybe its because of good luck, I dont know, but I would want to think it that way. Haha, I was wondering, issit because so many bad things have happened that I turned optimistic, hmm.

I wonder if 2moro I will be rudely awaken by the worry of not performing well again. I wonder how long I can maintain this mental state.

In some sense, I feel sorry for my boyf, for having to listen every small rant and grunt and every single time i screw up some paper (trust me this happens OFTEN). I promise I will shut up more, negativity spreads, let's it just stay within me.

Why am I still studying?

-Fallen-Star - what is really called trying your best?

Sunday, May 10, 2009

If I can have one super power, that will be the ability not to look back and regret.

If I have one thing I hope I have never learnt, that would be never to have learnt how to cry.

It's the holidays, its supposed to be fun and more fun! :) But lotsa have been going through my head and I cant really categorise and structure it in my head, so its just random thoughts flashing but I cant really make logic out of it.

I feel that I have really very much given up on myself. Couldnt find the energy and enthusiasm to do things that really benefit me, I am just finding the simplest and easiest way of fulfilling things as they come. It's like it really doesnt matter much, I will just take each day as it is.

As for things, sometimes i think i know, but i guess i really dont.

As for things ahead, I cant visualise what's coming and what's in for me as well. Its all too bleak.

I will live each day with a smile and then take the sorrow when it comes. It's like as I grow older, I start to get quieter and grow more inwards, because I lose words each day and every hour.

-Fallen-Star