-bEaT oF aN aNgEl-

wow i havent been updating recently, shall resusctitate my blog. My life is perpetually monotonous, you bet. No doubt things still happen out of the blue, i m still as pessimistic abt everything as ever, those are stuff not worth mentioning nor remembering ya?

Thought through abt wad i wanted in life when i grabbed a breather from mugging, wondered how it would be like if i could for once do something i really wanted do, no matter how crazy and wild it might seem. I wanna find my strength to oppose the flow, to stop dead in my tracks, resist the relentless pushing from the adverse environment. I wanna defy my restrictions, to follow my heart. To drop the heavy load that is suppressing me off my shoulder, just so i can continue breathing, to find that little meaning i tried to create. To close my eyes and leave the devasting world for later. Ridiculously enough, i had actually wished i could contract a brain tumor. I dont know why, i feel that it would be the only time i can find the meaning, i have been aimlessly been looking for. I think a screw have been loosen from my brain. Let time relinquish my stupidity. I hope.


I treated you as a good fren. Though not one i shared my tears and joy with, but one i respect and truly believed in. But these days, you made me seem like a disposable piece of junk. Time and distance failed us both in this test. In retrospect ,i see no light in the continuity of efforts. We need initiative, something we both couldnt grasp. You are like a shadow, one i will never see in my days of light, nor in complete darkness and despair, in other words your presence no longer have any significance. Perhaps, you will become the parallel line that neber cross my path again. I shall leave this trivial matter behind for now, just so i can find sanguine in this listless deep blue ocean of troubles.


Money is a devil. If it wasnt for that, would we been driven with motivation, for work and for study? The main objective of studying, for many i believed, is definitely not for the pursuit of knowledge to satisfy the cravings of our endless boundaries of curiousity, but instead to cut a path to future financial stability. I hate our education system. I hate what i m doing now. I feel like escaping it, perhaps to futher my studies in Australia, London, States, anywhere but here. But reality stings, face up, money is THE limiting factor. Its not within my financial means. I couldnt imagine the debt incurred every split second, should i wilfully insisted my dream. The desperate slogging that depletes vigourity like a leech to repay those hateful debts upon graduation. I guess i m pretty much stuck, as far as most out there. Life is a killer,the true murderer of innocent eyes, accomplice of scheming thinkings, yet all i could do is to with hold faith in it, to keep buoyant in the sinking sea of sins. Think abt it.

|-Fallen-|StaR- release

posted by Charlene Sebastz @ 11:54 PM

A full stop sum things up. Everything has come to an end. It turned out not tremendously impressionable, but i presumed it was okie. Though it was my true strength, it turned out to be an advantage. How deceiving is that? Hmm.. just when i thought luck wasnt wif me. Oh well.

I stared at her in class today. She was everything i couldnt be. Her unfaltering determination. Her intelligence. Her capability. All not within my grasp. You wont understand, neither do i. Sometimes being purrfect, is simply being imperfect. Maybe, maybe not. I thought i was trying my best to be the person i wanna be, but it turns out that perhaps not even i can truly understand what i want. Its an empty feeling, when you force yourself to take everything in your stride. Its inevitable, i just hope this ends soon. Haha, y am i sounding like i m going to die soon or something. Yeah, life does need some optimism sumtimes.


Happie Bday Sherrrrayy =] though its like 1 day late. Stayy happie and cheery always ya?


|-Fallen-|StaRs- things you never knew

posted by Charlene Sebastz @ 10:21 PM