-bEaT oF aN aNgEl-

In a blink of an eye, i m a J2 student now. Mentally i dun feel like i m one, but the reality stings. Yes yes, i m OLD!! Lol, i didnt really realise this fact until one day when i was on the bus and some SJI boy said," i cant believe im sec 4 now, i m so old!". I turned to him and stared. You are old? Then i mus be ancient but then again its relative.

Speakin of bus rides, i had one of the most intellect one today with shu yu. We were talkin about what we wanna do in our future. The truth is i m totally clueless or in sum way i didnt really wanna think abt it. My ambition keeps changing jus like how we change everyday, knowingly or not.

Basically i know nothin about future prospects and couldnt be bothered about scholarships. I m not an almighty. I do not lead a day of 24 hrs as though it was 240. I seriously couldnt picutre myself being an all-rounder, yet be happy. I just wanna focus on the things that matter to me in my life. I do not give a damn about adventure and about CAAL. I believe in specialisation, like what all industries do. The trade-off - enriching life at the expense of being nothin at all at the end of the day. That risk, i would say i dun feel its sumthin worthy to take on. Definitely not with my calibre.

Back to the trip, when Shu yu alighted, i wasnt my usual sleepyhead, trying to catch 40 winks. I thought about myself and what i wanna do, how people view me and my own valuation of things i haf done so far. Today's 100 words on my achievement baffled me. I dun haf any worthy achievements in my life. I dun learn music, i cant draw, sing, dance,act and the list is inexhaustible. Yet i m sitting in the classroom, thinkin a few moments ago that i m fine. Probably i m not. I m too average or plainly just boring. I never once denied the fact that i was boring and perhaps i chose to be boring. My friend once adamantly claim that my future job will be a rigid 9-5 kind. I thought about it and found much truth in it. An inflexible mind calls for dull jobs. Perfect match!

Thinking of which,I really dun like the arts subjects. Its not that i dun score, i think i m pretty fine in it and my sciences are not that fabulous anyway but i thought the latter interests me more. I dun come across as gd in any fields and indeed i m not so when i questioned myself abt what m i goin to plunge into a year ahead of me, I paused. My mind went blank.

Sciences are a bore and a hassle in a way. I hate practicals judging on the no. of apparatus i have effortlessly broke by the twitch of a finger. If i ever do venture into this field, i will end up to be just any other normal teacher. Teaching might be a possible profession for me but i find it monotonous, goin thru years of same content syllabus with over-rehearsed script. Coming to think of it, wasnt i simply an equivalent? Hmm.

Arts are a no-no for me. At least in sciences, broken english is tolerated. As a grammar idiot, i think its just a death-trap for me. But if miracle do bestow on me, i might consider journalism. Actually i think it will be cool to be an editor of a fashion magazine and i seriously wanna have an internship with 17!! Sadly, my fashion sense sucks. =(

Commmerce stream are for beautiful people as according to GP teacher, Mr Leong, today. Taboo for me i suppose so i can just pop the bubble and wake up to reality.

SEE!! So much hesitation, so much controversies over eligibility. I wonder where i can go!!

Bleak future. OH MAN.

Be a housewife?

Lol.

Today i guess was just another depressed day for me. We discussed about how we accept our bodies and ourselves. Our bodies are a mere representation of who we are. Yet i feel it says much more.

Guys look at girls at the perspective of (crudely) whether one is chio or not while girls look for depth in a guy.

In this materialistic world, have you ever wondered where you stand?

Do you sumtimes feel you do things just so you hope to get a valuation of how people really do view you as?

Do you frequently indulge in self pity just so you can feel your presence?

I believe no one in this world, truly adore the way he/she looks. In our eyes, there are also flaws and nay sayers in our life.

Mr Leong mentioned about maturity and looking beyond how people criticise on our looks. Its impt to be happy and lurve urself.

I dun understand. How can anyone be happy when they are labelled hideous?

Socially self-conscious urbanites.

|-Fallen-|star- Confidence is what people give you, not what u make out of urself!

posted by Charlene Sebastz @ 4:51 PM