-bEaT oF aN aNgEl-

I feel lonely.
So empty.
Sometimes.

posted by Charlene Sebastz @ 11:16 PM

Sometimes i ask if i noe hu for hu r.

I thought i knew cos i believed what i saw. What i cant see, i cant comprehend.

Last on the list, last to know.

I feel uneasy about it, not that i control ur life but i jus want to be included in it.

I guess from now on there will be many things u wont need to noe too. At least u will be assured to be the last to know.

This is contrary to before. I was the most eager to share, most eager to inform. You were the top priority on my list. But now i believed things have changed. You showed me how it should have changed. So there it is now. You dun seem to mind anyway. I am just rattling on mindless things that dun bother u. Now it wont to me, if tts how things will evolve to be.

I m jus a one liner. That's how u want me to feel and yes i feel it too.

Sometimes we jus need to be left ALONE!

That's how a nice saturday morning is left unspoiled.

Anyway i realise a trend(au courant!! :D) in class, or more specifically amongst the supposed "elite". We are always jumping to our defence when we feel threatened, that's normal and rightfully so. But we forgot tt our perspective is only that narrow. People can see things in other angles we have never imagined it to be. Yet we rejected them all jus bcos they are not in line with what we are so insistent on. That's y we never improved. That's why we lag behind.

If that's the making of a leader, i grief.

As we grow older, we stand to correct people, we erect a barrier between ourselves and the world when we feel that our pride erode under their feedback. I admit i fall victim to such situations and i detest myself for that. When can we ever understand that sometimes what ppl say, although weakens the strength of what we held so much faith in, is in fact the anecdote to the situation. An aspect we overlooked, or were too shallow to go into that depth?

She was so unreceptive to feedback although she asked for it. She was quick to point out every mistake that i made, not that tt is a bad thing because its gd to recognise one's flaws and improve but the impression she etched on me- standing tall as an egoistic know it all makes me wonder, what right does she have to feel so, by trampling over others?

She was swift (with celerity :D another BYRON word!) to cut my sentence short before i could complete it. I dun understand. She never waits for others to finish their comments and she immediately jumped to her defence, rebuking every single word that placed her at a disadvantage. I understand its instinctive and i stand guilty of it sometimes but i also place belief in words that ppl say although i might not fully agree. I noe i m no superior being. We all survive on negativity to make us stronger and more holistic than we can ever be.

i feel she finds pleasure in correcting people to feed her insatiable desire of being worshipped superior saint. I stand corrected but i feel disturbed.

I guess we jus need to take out a fraction of our time to be subjected to negativity to make us realise that we are not the best of who we are. That will keep our ego in check before it inflates too much too fast that it stifles and stuns our psychological growth. My silence doesnt mean i consent, just that it always good to hace a stereoscopic view on matters. I remain unenthusiastic doesnt mine i m detached, but rather i m observing.

I hope by listening it makes me a better person.

One day when i muster enough courage, i will point it out to u.

If i do it now, i will just be labelled as unfeeling and egoisitc as well. I dun stand to gain.

In this world, everyone loses.

The winner is never youself.

Sigh.

posted by Charlene Sebastz @ 9:20 AM